you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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