just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
