Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Randomize
