You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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