I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
