Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
