Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
