can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
