I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
