Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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