i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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