I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
