I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
