i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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