I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You are a genius and a whore.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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