I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
