I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
