come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
