How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
