We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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