Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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