If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
