Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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