I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
