If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize