just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
