**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
