I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize