my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
