Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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