Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
