Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
