I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
