First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
