someone threw a dead crab at me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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