Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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