she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
