Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
