my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
