I want to make a zoo with you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
