I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Fuck appropriateness.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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