remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
