whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Everything about him screamed your future.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize