Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
