He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
