I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
