i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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