i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
