Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
