Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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