You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
