I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
