Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
