sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize