I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
