Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
